Learning to be me again

I have come to the decision that starting this blog was a life-saver for me. I have had so much negative energy cooped up in my life recently that I was on a downhill spiral. I have been dangerously close to doing something that I never in my life thought that I would think of. I didn't come up with a plan, but can honestly say that taking my life has crossed my mind on several occasions in the last few weeks and months. Life is too precious for me to do that and I do have children that rely on me, but all of the negative was (and still is) sucking the life out of me.

2014 was supposed to be a banner year for me and so far it has been tragic, in my eyes at least. I lost my spark, my drive, my determination, and one of my biggest supporters. Dad was always there for me with a big smile and open arms. You could see the look of pride on his face whenever he looked at any of us kids and even though I wasn't biologically his, he was more of a father to me than my own biological father at times. I never had to question where I stood with dad. Now that he is gone, part of the light of my life is gone. But dad wouldn't want me to be contemplating suicide, he would want me to be strong!

I have to cling to the belief and knowledge that I am a strong, independent woman and not let the past define me. I may have put myself into the role of victim, but I have to take responsibility in getting myself out of that role. No one is going to change the thought processes in my mind but me. Abuse victims at some point in their lives have to let the events go and not give the perpetrator the power over them. I was abused, used, abandoned, beaten up on, and left to deal with the aftermath by several family members and I need to learn to forgive, not for them, but for my sanity and mental health. I cannot let the victim mentality become what I see myself as.

Time to move forward!