Learning to be me again

I have come to the decision that starting this blog was a life-saver for me. I have had so much negative energy cooped up in my life recently that I was on a downhill spiral. I have been dangerously close to doing something that I never in my life thought that I would think of. I didn't come up with a plan, but can honestly say that taking my life has crossed my mind on several occasions in the last few weeks and months. Life is too precious for me to do that and I do have children that rely on me, but all of the negative was (and still is) sucking the life out of me.

2014 was supposed to be a banner year for me and so far it has been tragic, in my eyes at least. I lost my spark, my drive, my determination, and one of my biggest supporters. Dad was always there for me with a big smile and open arms. You could see the look of pride on his face whenever he looked at any of us kids and even though I wasn't biologically his, he was more of a father to me than my own biological father at times. I never had to question where I stood with dad. Now that he is gone, part of the light of my life is gone. But dad wouldn't want me to be contemplating suicide, he would want me to be strong!

I have to cling to the belief and knowledge that I am a strong, independent woman and not let the past define me. I may have put myself into the role of victim, but I have to take responsibility in getting myself out of that role. No one is going to change the thought processes in my mind but me. Abuse victims at some point in their lives have to let the events go and not give the perpetrator the power over them. I was abused, used, abandoned, beaten up on, and left to deal with the aftermath by several family members and I need to learn to forgive, not for them, but for my sanity and mental health. I cannot let the victim mentality become what I see myself as.

Time to move forward!

Day Three

Nightmares of my stepdad from the past is what I woke up to this morning. I had no idea those memories were there. I am not sure if I made up what I dreamed last night but it left me shaken to my core. I do not want to remember the man I called daddy like that. So, if the memories are real, I have to let them lie. I respect that man too much to dredge up something terrible like that.

I feel like things are crumbling around me, that my spark and life are slowly dying around me, that I could slip away at any moment. I was getting so close to finally being happy and getting things caught up in my life and now I am struggling to breathe. Financially, I was doing okay. Relationship wise, not so much, but I was starting to see things clearer than I have in a long time. Health wise, I was finally starting to lose the stigma that I was and am the fat girl not worth anything. Now, I am questioning all of that.

I choose to walk away from performing professionally because of everything else that was going on. Music was the one thing that could soothe my heart and soul and now I find that it at times irritates me even more. I do not want to lose the passion I have for music but I want to be able to enjoy it like I have in the past.

I have almost come to despise my partner. He does not listen to me when I talk to him and he has no respect for me. Now, he is without a job and I feel trapped where I am. I have tried to hold to my mantra of "One day, one step at a time" but it is getting difficult to take the next step and to see where I am supposed to go from here. I used to be able to see how strong I am as an individual and as a woman, but I feel beat down and defeated at every turn.

I know suicide is not the way out, but that does not stop me from thinking about it. I have three beautiful children that need me 24 hours a day. I am a mother first and foremost but I want to be happy as an individual too and they cannot give me that. I will never leave them without a parent who genuinely cares about them but I am starting to feel myself slip at the seams.

Day One

So, my journey is officially beginning. No games. No more lying to myself. Time to be completely honest with myself. I have a lot of issues that I need to work through and all the games have done is drag me down. I am a people pleaser and have been all my life. It is what lead me to both of my marriages along with looking for a father figure that would not abandon me and would love me for me. Ever since I was little, I have been looking for that unconditional love. But what I didn't realize was that I had to have that unconditional love for myself before I could have or should have look for someone else. Now, I am on marriage number two and still have no clue who I really am or what I really want out of life. I have three beautiful children but they don't really respect me. I am unhappy in my marriage and seem to still be searching for that unconditional love and acceptance. Time to handle my emotional issues once and for all.