Day Three

Nightmares of my stepdad from the past is what I woke up to this morning. I had no idea those memories were there. I am not sure if I made up what I dreamed last night but it left me shaken to my core. I do not want to remember the man I called daddy like that. So, if the memories are real, I have to let them lie. I respect that man too much to dredge up something terrible like that.

I feel like things are crumbling around me, that my spark and life are slowly dying around me, that I could slip away at any moment. I was getting so close to finally being happy and getting things caught up in my life and now I am struggling to breathe. Financially, I was doing okay. Relationship wise, not so much, but I was starting to see things clearer than I have in a long time. Health wise, I was finally starting to lose the stigma that I was and am the fat girl not worth anything. Now, I am questioning all of that.

I choose to walk away from performing professionally because of everything else that was going on. Music was the one thing that could soothe my heart and soul and now I find that it at times irritates me even more. I do not want to lose the passion I have for music but I want to be able to enjoy it like I have in the past.

I have almost come to despise my partner. He does not listen to me when I talk to him and he has no respect for me. Now, he is without a job and I feel trapped where I am. I have tried to hold to my mantra of "One day, one step at a time" but it is getting difficult to take the next step and to see where I am supposed to go from here. I used to be able to see how strong I am as an individual and as a woman, but I feel beat down and defeated at every turn.

I know suicide is not the way out, but that does not stop me from thinking about it. I have three beautiful children that need me 24 hours a day. I am a mother first and foremost but I want to be happy as an individual too and they cannot give me that. I will never leave them without a parent who genuinely cares about them but I am starting to feel myself slip at the seams.